Only @ The Rio

I'm really not making this stuff up. It may seem like it because some random crazy stuff seems to always happen to me at The Rio but, dudes and dudettes, Check this one out.....

I had to stop into The Rio to take care of some business with a casino host friend of mine. It was Tuesday around 1:00pm. I guess that's when they open the cages for play time. Walking through the big spinney doors, I then headed right, towards VIP Check-In. On my left, as I was walking down the aisle was this dude, had to be about 35/40. He was leaning all the way back in his chair playing a Video Poker machine.

I'm not one to beat around the bush, I'd rather drive right in...to the bush. The dude had No Arms. But wait Mr. JT Vegas, Didn't you say he was playing the slot machine? That's right kiddies, he was playing the slot machine, BUT NOT WITH HIS HANDS!!! This dude (more power to him) was playing BAREFOOT. This guy was like a monkey. It was amazing.

With his toes spread real wide, he would grip the Video Poker machine lever in between his Big Toe and Middle Finger Toe with his right foot, and with his left Big Toe he pressed the "Hold" "Draw" buttons. It was like a train wreck, I just couldn't look away. This story is in no way any attempt on my part to make fun of this individual. I feel that this man made up for lack of arms with his imagination, creativeness, and determination. Not to mention the ability to take on a gambling addiction on top of everything else going on with this guy.

LIFE LESSON #1

When you meet KRISTY SWANSON, nothing else matters.

The Dude You Just Don’t F With

So there we were, having "A Time" at the Palms Pool. I was later told we had gone to Ditch Fridays. I always called it the Palms Pool, but that's neither here nor there. The guys at http://www.doinvegas.com/ helped me put together a 30 man bachelor party. It's one thing to organize a bunch of your friends to drive from Cali/AZ to Vegas, it's a whole other animal to motivate a bunch of narrow minded gay dudes to fly to Vegas from the East Coast. But I digress.

It was “Ditch Friday's,” pool party. OH what a time it was. Honestly, there were NO FAT GIRLS!! It looked like a scene out of, “Entourage.” As stated previously, there were about 30 of us. We hailed from New York, Jersey and Philadelphia. We are a wild bunch. I know, I know, everyone thinks their crew is wild, but SERIOUSLY, you match this story and I'll find the best fellaciologist to handle your biz.

We were lucky enough to land a pool side cabana. A few of us were chatting pool side, when all of a sudden, My buddy Rob appeared out of no where, cock exposed and piss a-blazing. We all scattered away from him to avoid being pissed on, however, one unlucky lad, Timmy, got his leg pissed on! It was hilarious to say the least. Timmy is the last dude you want to F with when it comes to practical joke urination. He has NO boundaries and shows absolutely NO Mercy when it comes to such pranks.

Two summers ago, I scattered potato chips around his chair on the beach so the birds would flock and poop on him. Later that day, he threw up on my head. Let me repeat that….later that day HE THREW UP ON MY HEAD! No he wasn't sick, or nauseous. Just wanted to puke on my F'in head. After being pissed on, Timmy was pisssssed. Then it appeared.....The "Eye of the Jew" - Beer Fest.

Timmy: Rob just pissed on me, now I have to get him back.
Me: What are you doing to do? You have to top him. Please get him back….bad!
Timmy: He pissed on me, I guess I have to get him back with…..poop?
Timmy: Does anyone have to take a poop?
Gary: Yep. Over here. You want my poop?
Timmy: Yeah, take a poop on the ground and I will do the rest. Everyone else, distract Rob.

Gary and Timmy then go to the bathroom and Gary takes a poop into a cup. Gary said it looked delicious (my friends are awesome). While this is happening, the rest of us are distracting Rob. Timmy, like a navy seal, was weaving in and out of shadows to avoid being seen by Rob or security. After all, he is holding a cup filled with human feces. All of a sudden, Timmy leans in from behind the cabana and smashes the poop cup, on Rob’s left cheek. It took a few seconds for Rob to gather what the mysterious substance was on his cheek. Then the smell hit EVERYONE. Everyone that was within 20 foot radius of the Hazmat required event.

We all started to dry heave/puke and run away while Rob chased anyone in the vicinity to smear poop on their face. We all had a great laugh and even better, we have the picture to prove it!

Life Lesson #4

If someone pees on your leg, and its not to take the pain away from a Jellyfish Sting, poop is NOT the answer. A shovel, swung shoulder level, to the back of the pissers head, plenty of Lime a desert and no witnesses IS THE ANSWER!!!!!

The Ghostbuster is a Player

So Im at the Bellagio with a couple of buddies. We wanted to go to The Bank night club. We heard it was pretty tight. It was. On our way into Bellagio we saw this group of fantastic looking females. About 20 total. They were all dressed up, in their tiny dresses, their hair all did, smelled like flowers, you know. They were all wearing different color dresses, shiny and tight. Hot. They flaunted all that is wonderful in women. T and A. They were on the move. My buddy suggested we tail em'. Like a diabetic with low blood sugar, I was down.

Where were they going? What were they doing? Did any of the them see me stare and my pants get tight? - All valid questions at the time.

As we approached the Bank, closely behind the lead car, I saw him. All black suited up and lookin dyno-mite. This isnt the type of dude you dont recognize at first and then go, "was that? Noooo." It was him, the ghostbuster himself, Dan Aykroyd. Here is a Pic of me and the buster. Totally awesome guy. One of the nicest celebs I've had the pleasure of meeting in this crazy town.

Thereafter, I quickly put 2 and 2 together. The girls were there for him. That stud. After posing for the picture, I sh*it you not, Ghostbuster, while looking at the group of cougars and cubs says: "You see those girls? Which one?" I replied, "what?" He said: "which one should I give the go?" Im never at a loss for words, but when a real life ghostbuster asks you which coug he should hit first... I dont know, its like being a ghostbusters sidekick. It was fricken' awesome.

I immediately scanned the group for potentials. Looking left then right. I had the eye of the tiger looking for the perfect one for my new best friend. About 10 seconds after I was given the task of picking the perfect ghost to get slimed, I opened my mouth and before I could say anything, he goes: "Just kidding kid, they're all gettin' a piece of it." I was in awe of his awesomeness. I shook his hand, thanked him for making me his apprentice, wished him luck, and we parted ways.

Life Lesson #12

When theres somethin' strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? - Ghostbusters

How NOT to have a THREESOME

Ever wonder how to go about NOT HAVING a threesome with 2 extremely limber hot girls?

Well lucky for you, I can tell you, in detail, how to NOT have one.

I met these 2 hot hot hot 20 year old girls in the VIP Lounge at the Palms. They were complaining to the front desk that they were denied access to "Ditch Fridays" pool party at the hotel because they weren't 21. Ridiculous, I know. Where the hell were their fake I.D.'s? Anyway, being the very nice man I am, I offered my assistance (with absolutely no ulterior motive).

I invited them up into the Sky Villa I was staying in to swim in the private infinity pool. They enjoyed it and for some reason were quite impressed with the suite (I have no idea why). We exchanged numbers and I told them to call me if they wanted to "Hang Out." They called (surprised?) Begin to read carefully please. The following is very important.

We met up at about 8pm the next night and I picked them up in my Black Pimped out 'Scalade (That's Escalade for the stupids). They looked real good and seemed very eager for some fun. Then my stupid ass mouth opened up.

ME: "You girls look great. Damn. So what you girls want to do tonight?"
Girl #1: "Hmmm, how about we have a threesome?"
ME: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yea why don't we find a quiet place to pull over. Is that ok?"
Girl #1 & 2: Lets do it, hehe High Five!!" (They really said and gave each other a High Five)
ME: "Let's do it!"

While driving up a dark windy road to get to my house......

ME: "So, do you girls mind if I ask you a question?"
Girl #1: "Go for it."
ME: "Im a little older than you girls and was just wondering how often you two do this"
Girl #2: "What do you mean? Like have threesomes?"
ME: "No. Like go out in some random dudes' ride, going who the hell knows where, without any idea who I am."
Girl #2: "Shut the fuck up, not funny. Seriously shut the fuck up!!"
Girl #1: "Are you kidding me right now?"
Girl #2: "Dude not cool."
ME: "No for real. You dont know me, you girls are tiny and young and really should be more careful in the future."
Girl #2: "Dude shut the fuck up and stop it, you're scaring me."
ME: "Im not trying to Sc..."
Girl #1: "Are you fucking stupid? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Girl #2: While Crying... "Please stop. Please Turn around and take us back."
Girl #1: "I may be tiny but I'll fucking rip your face off! Turn the hell around NOW!!!"
ME: "Ohhh k, that was just a tip from experience ladies. I didnt mean to scare you. I feel very retarded right now. I havent slept in a couple days, Im delirious.
Girl #1: "Whatever dick. Just take us back."
ME: "Ok ok."

Pulling up to the MGM where they were staying......... As the girls were exiting my car...

ME: "Well that didnt go very well. Wanna get together another time?"
Girl #1: "Go Fuck yourself dick!!!"
ME: "What about you?"
Girl #2: Blank Stare and then she gave me the finger.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is how NOT to have a threesome.

Life Lesson #92

"When you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all." = MOMS (They were Right)!!

The Streets of San Francisco

CAUTION

Please do not reenact the following story or attempt to perform any of the epic stunts contained within. These stunts were performed by a trained professional - AN IDIOT

What you are about to read is true. Completely True.....

Night #1 - Palms

So all my buddies came to Las Vegas this weekend for one of our close friends' 22nd birthday. We'll call him Snickers. On our first night, after everyone got into town, we all started drinking, apparently too much for a specific someone. We were staying at the Rio but we spent all night at the Palms Casino. There were 8 of us guys and a few girls and girlfriends and we were scattered throughout the casino playing some BJ.

Got to be about 3am when we drunkenly decided to start round 2 at Crazy Horse 3 (A fine establishment). We gathered up the crew and on our way over in our huge ass yellow hummer limo (Thank You http://www.doinvegas.com/), we noticed someone was missing, we'll call this genius Kit Kat.

We called his cell phone, between all of us, about 1000 times; no answer. We turned the Hummer around and were dropped back off at the Palms to look for Kit Kat. We began the search and divided the casino up so there was no way we could miss him. At this time it was about 530am and still no sign of Kit Kat. Still not picking up his phone. Kit Kat's girlfriend, let's call her Milky Way, was crying hysterically, wouldn't shut the hell up, and being a 23 year old girl, you can imagine there was nooo drama there, ha. We lied and told her it would be fine and we all passed out.

Day #2 = Palms Security

Still no sign of Kat, a few of the people thinking this was more than just a drunken pass out that happens all the time in vegas, went to palms security to attempt to view the tapes from last night. Haha, watching a bunch of college kids asking the Palms security to view their tapes was priceless. They didn't get to view them.

No word, no call, no nothing. At this point Milky Way is out of control, my friends were getting a little worried and I was getting pretty upset because my friends would NOT stop asking me for help finding Kit Kat when I was on a pretty good run playing BJ at the Rio.

Night #2 - The Morgue

A few of the more caring individuals, they will be called Candy Canes, were getting quite scared and decided to check the local morgues in vegas for John Does. No Joke. They went to one and another looking for a 24 year old male that was found the night before. You would be surprised how many John Does matching that exact description were lying up in those morgues (Who'd a thought right?) I must admit, at this point even I was getting a little scared...the Giants were losing and my 5 Game parlay didnt look like it was going to come through. I was very perturbed.

Day #3 - The Call

Milky Way picks up her phone around 7am Sunday, from a weird area code. Guess who it was...the man, the myth, the legend.......Kit Kat. Mumbling like a drunken hobo, he said he was someone in an alley and didn't know where he was. He managed to get picked up by the police and taken to the nearest hospital.

Turns out that Kit Kat got so drunk playing BJ at the Palms with some random dudes (Gay Right?) he decided to hop on a bus to do some coke and party it up with 3 random guys heading back to where they lived. SAN FRANFRIGGINCISCO. HAAHAHA.

I dont talk to the Candy Man anymore but the story does have a happy ending. He wasn't dead, He got to see a beautiful cities back alleys, He got to do coke, He got to be on a bus with a bunch of strange men, had his best friends going to random morgues to look for his unclaimed body. All in all, pretty good weekend.

Life Lesson #23

What happens in Vegas should not end up in San Francisco.

The Rio and the Gays

I've been working in Vegas, running my own business, http://www.doinvegas.com/, for about a year now. I don't know why I didn't start this sooner, but I feel now that I'm settled in (kind of), I can start telling some crazy ass stories.

I was at The Rio entertaining some clients of mine from the east coast. I normally would have taken them to The Palms or Caesars Palace or something, but they wanted The Rio. The Doggie does what he's told.

I had to go to the bathroom (Number 2) so I went to the nearest restroom. I usually scout out the best looking stall. Taking into consideration: cleanliness, appearance, smell, and surrounding occupation of close stalls.

I was in quite the Rush and lacked the time to perform my routine occular inspection, dropped trou, sat down, and you can guess the rest. As I was in "Go Mode" I noticed 2 pairs of feet in the stall next to me. They were some big feet, had to be two dudes, unless Andre the Giant had a sister I didn't know about. I Heard some ruckus and started to listen in. As I listened I heard the following: "This is by far the worst hand job I have ever had, yuck."

The situation was weird to say the least, but being the stupid, obnoxious, sac of sh*t that I am, under my breath I said, "Use more wrist." They Heard. They Heard it ALL.

Sounds of zippers, frustration, and panic dancing of the feet ensued. They Responded, "Mind your own business, A**hole;" In which I quipped, "When there's a chance of mansplosion in my vincity, it is my damn business. I dont want my feet getting impregnated with your protein shake!!!!" (I thought it was pretty clever) They did not respond. I heard the stall door open, and the restroom door shortly there after open and shut.

Keep in mind, I have nothing against gay people, in fact my best friend is gay. The truth is......

Life Lesson #48

When there is someone going to the bathoom next to you, be courteous, keep all manonaise to yourself.