The Dude You Just Don’t F With

So there we were, having "A Time" at the Palms Pool. I was later told we had gone to Ditch Fridays. I always called it the Palms Pool, but that's neither here nor there. The guys at http://www.doinvegas.com/ helped me put together a 30 man bachelor party. It's one thing to organize a bunch of your friends to drive from Cali/AZ to Vegas, it's a whole other animal to motivate a bunch of narrow minded gay dudes to fly to Vegas from the East Coast. But I digress.

It was “Ditch Friday's,” pool party. OH what a time it was. Honestly, there were NO FAT GIRLS!! It looked like a scene out of, “Entourage.” As stated previously, there were about 30 of us. We hailed from New York, Jersey and Philadelphia. We are a wild bunch. I know, I know, everyone thinks their crew is wild, but SERIOUSLY, you match this story and I'll find the best fellaciologist to handle your biz.

We were lucky enough to land a pool side cabana. A few of us were chatting pool side, when all of a sudden, My buddy Rob appeared out of no where, cock exposed and piss a-blazing. We all scattered away from him to avoid being pissed on, however, one unlucky lad, Timmy, got his leg pissed on! It was hilarious to say the least. Timmy is the last dude you want to F with when it comes to practical joke urination. He has NO boundaries and shows absolutely NO Mercy when it comes to such pranks.

Two summers ago, I scattered potato chips around his chair on the beach so the birds would flock and poop on him. Later that day, he threw up on my head. Let me repeat that….later that day HE THREW UP ON MY HEAD! No he wasn't sick, or nauseous. Just wanted to puke on my F'in head. After being pissed on, Timmy was pisssssed. Then it appeared.....The "Eye of the Jew" - Beer Fest.

Timmy: Rob just pissed on me, now I have to get him back.
Me: What are you doing to do? You have to top him. Please get him back….bad!
Timmy: He pissed on me, I guess I have to get him back with…..poop?
Timmy: Does anyone have to take a poop?
Gary: Yep. Over here. You want my poop?
Timmy: Yeah, take a poop on the ground and I will do the rest. Everyone else, distract Rob.

Gary and Timmy then go to the bathroom and Gary takes a poop into a cup. Gary said it looked delicious (my friends are awesome). While this is happening, the rest of us are distracting Rob. Timmy, like a navy seal, was weaving in and out of shadows to avoid being seen by Rob or security. After all, he is holding a cup filled with human feces. All of a sudden, Timmy leans in from behind the cabana and smashes the poop cup, on Rob’s left cheek. It took a few seconds for Rob to gather what the mysterious substance was on his cheek. Then the smell hit EVERYONE. Everyone that was within 20 foot radius of the Hazmat required event.

We all started to dry heave/puke and run away while Rob chased anyone in the vicinity to smear poop on their face. We all had a great laugh and even better, we have the picture to prove it!

Life Lesson #4

If someone pees on your leg, and its not to take the pain away from a Jellyfish Sting, poop is NOT the answer. A shovel, swung shoulder level, to the back of the pissers head, plenty of Lime a desert and no witnesses IS THE ANSWER!!!!!

The Ghostbuster is a Player

So Im at the Bellagio with a couple of buddies. We wanted to go to The Bank night club. We heard it was pretty tight. It was. On our way into Bellagio we saw this group of fantastic looking females. About 20 total. They were all dressed up, in their tiny dresses, their hair all did, smelled like flowers, you know. They were all wearing different color dresses, shiny and tight. Hot. They flaunted all that is wonderful in women. T and A. They were on the move. My buddy suggested we tail em'. Like a diabetic with low blood sugar, I was down.

Where were they going? What were they doing? Did any of the them see me stare and my pants get tight? - All valid questions at the time.

As we approached the Bank, closely behind the lead car, I saw him. All black suited up and lookin dyno-mite. This isnt the type of dude you dont recognize at first and then go, "was that? Noooo." It was him, the ghostbuster himself, Dan Aykroyd. Here is a Pic of me and the buster. Totally awesome guy. One of the nicest celebs I've had the pleasure of meeting in this crazy town.

Thereafter, I quickly put 2 and 2 together. The girls were there for him. That stud. After posing for the picture, I sh*it you not, Ghostbuster, while looking at the group of cougars and cubs says: "You see those girls? Which one?" I replied, "what?" He said: "which one should I give the go?" Im never at a loss for words, but when a real life ghostbuster asks you which coug he should hit first... I dont know, its like being a ghostbusters sidekick. It was fricken' awesome.

I immediately scanned the group for potentials. Looking left then right. I had the eye of the tiger looking for the perfect one for my new best friend. About 10 seconds after I was given the task of picking the perfect ghost to get slimed, I opened my mouth and before I could say anything, he goes: "Just kidding kid, they're all gettin' a piece of it." I was in awe of his awesomeness. I shook his hand, thanked him for making me his apprentice, wished him luck, and we parted ways.

Life Lesson #12

When theres somethin' strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? - Ghostbusters