How NOT to have a THREESOME

Ever wonder how to go about NOT HAVING a threesome with 2 extremely limber hot girls?

Well lucky for you, I can tell you, in detail, how to NOT have one.

I met these 2 hot hot hot 20 year old girls in the VIP Lounge at the Palms. They were complaining to the front desk that they were denied access to "Ditch Fridays" pool party at the hotel because they weren't 21. Ridiculous, I know. Where the hell were their fake I.D.'s? Anyway, being the very nice man I am, I offered my assistance (with absolutely no ulterior motive).

I invited them up into the Sky Villa I was staying in to swim in the private infinity pool. They enjoyed it and for some reason were quite impressed with the suite (I have no idea why). We exchanged numbers and I told them to call me if they wanted to "Hang Out." They called (surprised?) Begin to read carefully please. The following is very important.

We met up at about 8pm the next night and I picked them up in my Black Pimped out 'Scalade (That's Escalade for the stupids). They looked real good and seemed very eager for some fun. Then my stupid ass mouth opened up.

ME: "You girls look great. Damn. So what you girls want to do tonight?"
Girl #1: "Hmmm, how about we have a threesome?"
ME: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yea why don't we find a quiet place to pull over. Is that ok?"
Girl #1 & 2: Lets do it, hehe High Five!!" (They really said and gave each other a High Five)
ME: "Let's do it!"

While driving up a dark windy road to get to my house......

ME: "So, do you girls mind if I ask you a question?"
Girl #1: "Go for it."
ME: "Im a little older than you girls and was just wondering how often you two do this"
Girl #2: "What do you mean? Like have threesomes?"
ME: "No. Like go out in some random dudes' ride, going who the hell knows where, without any idea who I am."
Girl #2: "Shut the fuck up, not funny. Seriously shut the fuck up!!"
Girl #1: "Are you kidding me right now?"
Girl #2: "Dude not cool."
ME: "No for real. You dont know me, you girls are tiny and young and really should be more careful in the future."
Girl #2: "Dude shut the fuck up and stop it, you're scaring me."
ME: "Im not trying to Sc..."
Girl #1: "Are you fucking stupid? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Girl #2: While Crying... "Please stop. Please Turn around and take us back."
Girl #1: "I may be tiny but I'll fucking rip your face off! Turn the hell around NOW!!!"
ME: "Ohhh k, that was just a tip from experience ladies. I didnt mean to scare you. I feel very retarded right now. I havent slept in a couple days, Im delirious.
Girl #1: "Whatever dick. Just take us back."
ME: "Ok ok."

Pulling up to the MGM where they were staying......... As the girls were exiting my car...

ME: "Well that didnt go very well. Wanna get together another time?"
Girl #1: "Go Fuck yourself dick!!!"
ME: "What about you?"
Girl #2: Blank Stare and then she gave me the finger.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is how NOT to have a threesome.

Life Lesson #92

"When you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all." = MOMS (They were Right)!!

The Streets of San Francisco

CAUTION

Please do not reenact the following story or attempt to perform any of the epic stunts contained within. These stunts were performed by a trained professional - AN IDIOT

What you are about to read is true. Completely True.....

Night #1 - Palms

So all my buddies came to Las Vegas this weekend for one of our close friends' 22nd birthday. We'll call him Snickers. On our first night, after everyone got into town, we all started drinking, apparently too much for a specific someone. We were staying at the Rio but we spent all night at the Palms Casino. There were 8 of us guys and a few girls and girlfriends and we were scattered throughout the casino playing some BJ.

Got to be about 3am when we drunkenly decided to start round 2 at Crazy Horse 3 (A fine establishment). We gathered up the crew and on our way over in our huge ass yellow hummer limo (Thank You http://www.doinvegas.com/), we noticed someone was missing, we'll call this genius Kit Kat.

We called his cell phone, between all of us, about 1000 times; no answer. We turned the Hummer around and were dropped back off at the Palms to look for Kit Kat. We began the search and divided the casino up so there was no way we could miss him. At this time it was about 530am and still no sign of Kit Kat. Still not picking up his phone. Kit Kat's girlfriend, let's call her Milky Way, was crying hysterically, wouldn't shut the hell up, and being a 23 year old girl, you can imagine there was nooo drama there, ha. We lied and told her it would be fine and we all passed out.

Day #2 = Palms Security

Still no sign of Kat, a few of the people thinking this was more than just a drunken pass out that happens all the time in vegas, went to palms security to attempt to view the tapes from last night. Haha, watching a bunch of college kids asking the Palms security to view their tapes was priceless. They didn't get to view them.

No word, no call, no nothing. At this point Milky Way is out of control, my friends were getting a little worried and I was getting pretty upset because my friends would NOT stop asking me for help finding Kit Kat when I was on a pretty good run playing BJ at the Rio.

Night #2 - The Morgue

A few of the more caring individuals, they will be called Candy Canes, were getting quite scared and decided to check the local morgues in vegas for John Does. No Joke. They went to one and another looking for a 24 year old male that was found the night before. You would be surprised how many John Does matching that exact description were lying up in those morgues (Who'd a thought right?) I must admit, at this point even I was getting a little scared...the Giants were losing and my 5 Game parlay didnt look like it was going to come through. I was very perturbed.

Day #3 - The Call

Milky Way picks up her phone around 7am Sunday, from a weird area code. Guess who it was...the man, the myth, the legend.......Kit Kat. Mumbling like a drunken hobo, he said he was someone in an alley and didn't know where he was. He managed to get picked up by the police and taken to the nearest hospital.

Turns out that Kit Kat got so drunk playing BJ at the Palms with some random dudes (Gay Right?) he decided to hop on a bus to do some coke and party it up with 3 random guys heading back to where they lived. SAN FRANFRIGGINCISCO. HAAHAHA.

I dont talk to the Candy Man anymore but the story does have a happy ending. He wasn't dead, He got to see a beautiful cities back alleys, He got to do coke, He got to be on a bus with a bunch of strange men, had his best friends going to random morgues to look for his unclaimed body. All in all, pretty good weekend.

Life Lesson #23

What happens in Vegas should not end up in San Francisco.

The Rio and the Gays

I've been working in Vegas, running my own business, http://www.doinvegas.com/, for about a year now. I don't know why I didn't start this sooner, but I feel now that I'm settled in (kind of), I can start telling some crazy ass stories.

I was at The Rio entertaining some clients of mine from the east coast. I normally would have taken them to The Palms or Caesars Palace or something, but they wanted The Rio. The Doggie does what he's told.

I had to go to the bathroom (Number 2) so I went to the nearest restroom. I usually scout out the best looking stall. Taking into consideration: cleanliness, appearance, smell, and surrounding occupation of close stalls.

I was in quite the Rush and lacked the time to perform my routine occular inspection, dropped trou, sat down, and you can guess the rest. As I was in "Go Mode" I noticed 2 pairs of feet in the stall next to me. They were some big feet, had to be two dudes, unless Andre the Giant had a sister I didn't know about. I Heard some ruckus and started to listen in. As I listened I heard the following: "This is by far the worst hand job I have ever had, yuck."

The situation was weird to say the least, but being the stupid, obnoxious, sac of sh*t that I am, under my breath I said, "Use more wrist." They Heard. They Heard it ALL.

Sounds of zippers, frustration, and panic dancing of the feet ensued. They Responded, "Mind your own business, A**hole;" In which I quipped, "When there's a chance of mansplosion in my vincity, it is my damn business. I dont want my feet getting impregnated with your protein shake!!!!" (I thought it was pretty clever) They did not respond. I heard the stall door open, and the restroom door shortly there after open and shut.

Keep in mind, I have nothing against gay people, in fact my best friend is gay. The truth is......

Life Lesson #48

When there is someone going to the bathoom next to you, be courteous, keep all manonaise to yourself.